he puts the penis in happiness.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
