so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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