I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
