**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
