so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
