Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
