Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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