: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
