can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
