In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
