I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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