The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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