I am in a vortex of obligation.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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