i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
