The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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