True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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