If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
