I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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