My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
