would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
