Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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