i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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