Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
