All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
