Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
