I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
