Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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