Do you still have your period?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
