That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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