After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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