i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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