You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
