I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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