Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
