the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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