I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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