she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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