my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
