you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
