He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
