i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
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