I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
