My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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