I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
