im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
