I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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