ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
