and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
