Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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