Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
