Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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