I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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