I will die if light touches me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
