Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
