You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
