Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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