I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
