Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
