im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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