So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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