fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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