Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot