your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
