Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
