Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
